This is most specifically written to my beloved children. Please bear that in mind if you are reading. I spend a lot of time thinking about dying. I wonder will I die well? Will I bring glory to my King Jesus in my final hours? You each know how often I have told you to remember you belong to King Jesus. You belong to Him, because I belong to Him and I have given each of you back to Him since conception. ( Or my knowledge of it.) I want to remember that I belong to Him as my body wastes away, my mind goes, or possibly in those unexpectedly brief seconds after the unthinkable. I want so much, more than anything to finish this race here on earth well. I also think about the manner of my death. I want each one of you to know my thoughts in case there is ever a question. Let not yourselves be divided or turned against each other because I have been unclear. Let love rule in all your dealings with each other and with your aging/dying mother. Please let this serve as my thoughts and desires for the end:
- I do not want to be resuscitated if pronounced dead. No heroic measures, please.
- I do not want my life extended by the use of machines.
- I would like to die at home and not in a nursing home away. My children have been my life. I have poured my heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears, and prayers into you. I want to be with you if I can. I understand if you are prohibited that might not be possible, however know that I love you most dearly and want to be with you as much as possible. Never, ever question that I love you as my second greatest treasure only behind Jesus. You are precious. I treasure your company.
- I may refuse chemo depending on the circumstances. I do not want my life extended if it is questionable.I mean by that if there is a question as to if the chemo will work. This will have to be determined when the time arrives, but please do not be surprised if I ask only to be made comfortable and to die at home in my bed.
- I look forward to death. I want to be with Jesus. Death is a medium to get me there. I am not afraid of it, I am afraid of pain and the manner of death. I long to be where Jesus is, in His presence, if I may only touch the fringe of his garments and see Him from afar. I want to dwell in His presence. Perhaps weep tears of joy on His feet and wipe them with my hair. I also want to see those whom I have loved most dearly that are already with Him. Please be comforted in the hours of my death’s approaching that I know that my Redeemer lives and I know that He will resurrect me just as assuredly as He rose from the grave. He is my hope. His name is Faithful.
- I am afraid of shackling my loved ones with financial burdens due to my care. I want wise decisions made that will not leave debts that are unnecessary.
- As I have said many times, I do not want an open casket. Remember me alive, remember my Savior. Do not look upon the dead, for I will be raised anew in Jesus.
- I want sung at my service: Psalm 98, I Greet Thee Who My Redeemer Art, Jesus, Lover of My Soul, Fairest Lord Jesus, For All the Saints, if time permits Abide With Me, Stricken, Smitten, and Afflicted, and Psalm 16. You know how I have loved singing throughout my sojourn. I hope my service reflects this.
- I want the gospel preached at my funeral. Preach him strong. Preach Him clear. Preach him as the only hope for dying sinners. Hold the cross up before the eyes of all that Jesus may be seen as the One who takes away the sins of His elect and covers them with blood bought raiment of righteousness. I want Jesus lifted up and held out as the only way of salvation and as the great lover of our souls that He is.
- When I am near to death’s door. I would love more than anything to hear my loved ones sing Psalms at my sick bed. Read scripture to me. Let us look to the race being won, being finished. Let us praise the faithful one, for He has promised and He will bring to pass. Point my dying mind to heavenly realms that I might behold wondrous things above even in the midst of pain.
- I pray that each of you will walk with the God of your fathers. What a legacy of covenantal faithfulness I leave you! Granted it is not from my side, for I am as Ruth grafted in. I have had my Naomi and my Boaz. I have had a line of great, God-loving men from your father who served in ministry(for my older children) and God loving men who were faithful where God planted them (for my later two). They might not have been great in the eyes of the world, but they loved Jesus and you and wanted you to walk in the ways of Christ: Following Him with undivided hearts.
There is more which could be said and I hope will be said as I talk to each of you. My mind and heart have not been hidden from you. I have talked with you as we have walked on the way, sat at the table, and carried out our daily tasks. I hope in all you know the greatest thing about me is my King. He, alone, is worthy! Seek King Jesus first and His righteousness.